So lame it needs crutches

SMS conversation between @SureTyab (Deafboy) and I today: 

ST: When Gandal found Merry and Pippin they had an entourage. They'd had hours of entertainment ... boom tish ... courtesy of Adventure Girl. 

ST: Merry and Pippin didn't realise that the forest was sentient.

Y: We're going to have to rip out her entrails for that.

ST: Woo-hoo! Shall I stop her entirely? 

Y: Man. That doozy just gave M enteritis.

ST: Glad we could peak his enterest.

Y: Hey! 'Peek' not peak. The prospect of rapping you both over the knuckles is quite enticing.

ST: well after their harrowing flight through the 'peak' I thought it pertinent.
Y: Your last joke was almost piquant. Actually, it was the quintessential essence of L-squared lameness. 

ST: That you would mock our importent entitity with such an indifferent answer makes me wonder if its a portent to our victory.

Y: Do not be so blatent in your grasping for the attainment of victory. You have not yet presented a means of circumventing our triumph. To us your victory would be abhorrent and quite likely inspire resentment were we to be put in a position to have to rent our clothes. 

ST: We laugh in the face of your lamentable attempt to dwarf the word wizardry that we have orchestrated. Only out of hobit would one such as you think to entice victory from the maw of defeat. 

ST: Not that we are being pedentic or anything. 

Y: As entertaining as it might be for you to imagine that you could spin a web of dissent and rout our fellowship, you are merely proving your aragorns. Shirely it is obvious that there is precious little you can do to dent our enthusiasm for this engagement. 

ST: While the content of this tournament has been a testament to your will it is clear that the little folk are not entirely certain of the route that will lead to mt doom, and release them from this predicament. But come samwise I'm sure it will all work out. 

Y: It is clear that we need to call in a ranger to deal with the extent of your tomfoolery, e'en whilst we have been running rings around your wordplay. Were we to present a call to battle from the hilltop, yeah, the sting of our entanglement would surely pierce you to the quick, for our all-seeing eye is everywhere and we are able to undermine you at every step of the way. 

ST: Considering the word 'lameness' was used in your defence earlier this dark eve, I would say that rings would not be the word I would use, since short cuts and corners are not commonly found in things that are round. Now as to the matter of fairies and flights of fancy we are ardent that whilst you rush around barefooted in the woods, we will soar over and above thine heads to peck at your evil eye and send you screaming from the top of your tower.

Y: Ah, I see, now you must resort to tearing asunder the bonds of friendship with insinuations and accusations. Do no be so intransigent, but seek guidance in the grey, Belike, the web of your own tanglefooted journey through the darkness has been the result of too much brandywine, causing these wormtongued pursuits. Forsooth, fairies? The fae are not to be found in the deep or the middle.  

Y. And now we must entreat your patience to the last, for slumber beckons and we must away to the shadows. 
ST: Go forth to the shadows, you knights of darkness, for we know where we stand in the light and glow that is the eternal sanctuary of those that have slain those that seem self assured, but in actual fact are sipping from the bottle which they choose to accuse us of. So slumber sweetly, you silly Tooks. 

I love my nutball friends, f'reals.

Lemming at 'em

"You are such a lemming!"

"I'm no lemming!"

...

"But when I'm thirsty, I drink lemming-ade."

Slightly twisted

A bit late, but here are the pics from Halloween. Not that anyone, apart from Deafboy and Adventure Girl, bothered to dress up - which meant that MadCat and I didn't, either. So sad. So boring! I should've done it anyway, screw everyone else. Oh well, at least fun was had by all - even if Sunshine and Guttermind stayed sober the whole night and left early!

On Friday night, MadCat wanted to crash early, but I insisted that we stay up and prepare the meatballs for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, make the lizard eyes, and create the Marzipan Mayhem diorama. Oh, the moaning and complaining! It soon stopped as his creative (and twisted) juices began to flow! Behold:

Halloween 2009

Wash out your mouth

I've been reading since I was three, and I would read anything on which I could get my hands - the usual back of shampoo bottles, instruction leaflets, whatever I could find.

My father's cupboard was also the first aid cabinet, and on the top shelf, next to all the bandages, ointments and salves, were several books that I assume he figured no one would ever take out because they just looked so dull. Ha! Little did he know.

Naturally, at first I didn't really know what I was reading - after all, I was only six or seven years old - but it didn't take me long to grasp the concept - especially with a sex scene on virtually every second page.

Consequently, I may not be a full-on cherry fudge mint ripple with caramel raspberry swirl and chocolate shavings, but I'm no plain vanilla, either. And finally coming to terms with it.

And yes, after the first book, which took me a while to read, what with sneaking it out and sneaking it back in (I was fully aware that I wasn't really supposed to be reading them), I deliberately sought them out. And made up sex scenes using my poor, innocent toys. Defiled!

It was ironic, therefore, that I was severely punished two years later for reading "Where did I come from" by Des and Dawn Lindberg - but I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

Money-wasters

Inspired by Ellen of To The Max!, here are the items on which I spend far too much money.

- Books. Usually secondhand, as I prefer using vouchers to buy new. I just can't get my head around the prices of new books! But it's hard - really hard - for me to walk past a bookstore. MadCat usually has to drag me along, and I can't stop myself from looking around longingly as all those fascinating covers waft by.

- Fruit and veggies. When we go to the greengrocer, or Woolworths, all these plump, shiny, enticing specimens wink at me, urging me to live a healthier lifestyle. I probably spend about R300 a week on fresh fruit and veg. Which would be great if I actually ate them, instead of letting them wilt sadly in the fridge drawer. Still, I do have a compost heap and I take solace in the fact that they are returning to nature. Or something. (I do eat lots of Rosa or Bella tomatoes, courgettes, sugarsnap peas, bananas, Fuji apples and mandarins. I just buy far too much of everything else, planning on making fresh, vibrant meals, as per Heidi of 101 Cookbooks. Then I make a stew instead. I just can't win.)

- Costume jewellery. I have far too many bead necklaces, sets of earrings, rings, etc. - and I really only wear my Stargate, my moonstone earrings, and (very occasionally) my jade cameo. I'm like a starling; show me the bling, and I'll buy it.

- Computer games. I can't visit Zaps without buying something. Pity I only play Emperor and Sims 2. I may start a new game, but I get bored far too easily. I have finished six games in my life: Diablo, Diablo II, Max Payne (which was so short finishing it was a breeze), Zeus, Emperor and Sudeki. Otherwise, I get halfway through, get bored, and uninstall. Ha, and I dare call myself a gamer!

- DVDs and CDs. Yes, I buy DVDs of movies that I thoroughly enjoyed. The trouble is, I don't watch them once I've bought them - unless they're sci-fi or action. And then I really only skip to the action bits. As for CDs, I tend to buy one or two that I really want, then agonise over a new sound that costs more than all the rest put together. Invariably, this is the one I listen to once, then put back in the rack.

- Heels. I'm trying to be a laydee, a little more sophisticated than my general uniform of trousers, a masculine shirt, and my Froggie boots. So I buy gorgeous, sexy heels. Then I struggle to wear them. Oh, my lovely red Zooms, why must you make my feet swell so much? You are unutterably beautiful, and unutterably uncomfortable after more than an hour of wear.

- Sauces, condiments, and culinary oddities. Do I ever use Namh Pla? No. So why do I have three bottles on my spice shelf? Prickly pear sauce for icecream? I've had that bottle for three years and never opened it. Thai olive pesto? It stands accusingly in my fridge, opened once and probably festering with all kinds of nasty growths. I'm too afraid to check.

- Decor magazines. These, I truly love. I can't get by without my monthly fix of Home, Home & Garden, and House & Leisure. Not that I ever put any of it into practice, but I can dream.

What are your vices?

Lalalala

So we stayed until 11:30 last night, uploading files. Let me restate that.

11.30. That's PM. Uploading files. Big-ass files. And hey! Here I am, again (I've been here for an hour and a half already, people. You can't buy dedication like this!).

Soooo ... I'm a little punch-drunk. Just a leetle. I was fine driving home last night (although I had to turn around halfway, come back up the R55, and take my normal "come to work" route back because there was a 2-kilometre (or so) line of brake lights heading through Diepsloot and up the hill ahead of me! IT WAS MIDNIGHT! Why was there a freaking TRAFFIC JAM?

Anyway, the Coke Light (ugh) that SimsBuddy bought (accompanied by delicious, I'm-going-to-regret-this-in-two-weeks pizza) helped keep me alert for the drive home. The four hours of sleep, though? Not so much help. At least MadCat had warmed the bed for me, so I was able to snuggle into his shape and pass out without shivering my ass off.

Heheh. I said "ass". I am 7 years old. And how lame was THAT?

Sigh. Clearly I need COFFEE! And I have used the last of my delicious Mocca Java. Now I am drinking Ricoffee, which: YUCK. But add three heaped spoons, and six of sugar (did I mention I am SLEEPY and need a rush?) and it almost tastes like ... sludge (hence the SIX SPOONS of sugar!).

Ooh, just remembered! Last night, Greeneyes had been trying to help me set up the file upload system and when we'd determined that it was working, left for home - but he was so concerned about me staying late that he offered to come back and bring me a home-cooked meal! And he'd do it, too. I'm glad he has a wonderful wife (and it doesn't hurt that they're both gorgeous to look at). Man. When I have boys, I hope to bring them up as sweet, polite and all-round wonderful as Greeneyes.

Now I am reading Miss Doxie archives while uploading files (it takes FOREVER to get them attached, and then sent). More as the mood strikes.

At least I didn't come home to a steaming pile of poop last night!

Punny

Two goldfish get on a bus.
One turns to the other and says, "which way to the processor?"

MadCat scores a new low!

Induhviduals

One of our VPs asked me to send an e-mail without allowing forwarding, copying or printing.

"OK," said I, "but I can't stop anyone from taking a screenshot and printing that instead."

His reply: "My understanding is that unless you physically take your laptop to a photocopy machine, it is not possible to make copies; please talk to our email experts to get your facts straight."

I'm trying not to slam my face into the desk.

My nine names...

1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Sue-Ann

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:? (first 4 letters of real name plus izzle)

Sue-aizzle (WHAT? What kind of gangsta name is that? Can it be said with the hand wave and the chicken head shake to give it street cred? COME ON!)

3.YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:? (fav color and fav animal)

Blood Wolf

4.YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:? (middle name, and childhood street)

Gillian Meteor

5.YOUR STAR WARS NAME:? (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name)

Coosured (Are you insane? Pfft! Do you think Darth Vader would take me seriously with a name like COOSURED? Maybe if I pronounced it Co'osu'red ... )

6.YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:? (The 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

Green Chardonnay

7.YOUR BLUES SINGER NAME:? (The mood you are in now, and the last name of any President)

Snarky Mandela

8.YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (grandmother and grandfather's name)
Beatrice Leslie or Ellen Frank

9.YOUR GOTH NAME:? (black, and the name of one of your pet/s)

Black Mojo

for FUN copy & paste, create your '9 names' & forward to your friends :)
(Hopefully you have better luck with this than I've had!)

Conundrum

Me: Good night, my little stud-muffin.

MadCat: Did you say "stunt-muffin"?

Me: (pause)

Madcat: Is a stunt-muffin one that goes into the oven with no greased paper?

Sucker-punched

No more Somnil for me, especially late at night. We each took one at 11:30 last night. I have been falling asleep off and on the entire day. I don't know how I'll cope at drinks with Mirja tonight.

What a day. Up too early on a sleeping pill, staggering around like a drunken woman, off to Optera for MadCat's birthday lunch, played the worst game of Scrabble ever with my head all fuzzy, back home and unable to think straight.

Sleeping pills? Not for me.

Floating

Oh dear. My dog is high on catnip.

That'll teach me to believe in the evidence of my eyes when buying dried sausage treats without checking the label!

The movie meme

Lifted from Final Girl, who is hilarious!

1. Popcorn or candy?
Chocolate. Popcorn is so noisy, and candy sounds like I should be eating boiled sweets. Ugh! Gimme the Whispers and I'm happy.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
Superman Returns. I know Brandon Routh is uber-hot, I haven't even seen a bad review for this, MadCat's been on my case about watching it and I even taped it so I could watch it ... last year. Still - no dice. What IS it about this movie that's keeping it from me?

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar : Who loses theirs and to whom?
I haven't watched the Oscars in years, so I'm not entirely clued up on who got what recently. I'd love to have seen Sigourney Weaver win one for her portrayal of Ellen Ripley fighting the aliens, though. There can't be too much Ripley love in this world, is what I'm sayin'.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?
Uh ... does this hypothetical costume have to hypothetically fit me? Or should it just be something I think looks good? 'Cos I love Darth Vader's costume, but the man's seven feet tall! I'd look like I were sinking in a puddle of oil. Otherwise ... I dunno ... Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead? No, wait - those were only six-shooters. Hmm. Let's get back to basics and say, Ripley in Aliens or Alien 4. Those costumes are useful in a work-clothes kind of way AND come with big bada-boom
guns! You know, for when the zombies/aliens invade.

5. Your favorite film franchise is…
Alien (my love for Ripley knows no bounds.) (Please note this does NOT include the dreck that was AvP and its successor.) (Although Ripley would totally have kicked the Predator's ass.)
Runners-up: Lethal Weapon, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars (the original trilogy), Harry Potter.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
Sigourney Weaver! Although she might find it uncomfortable to have me sitting and staring at her, smiling dumbly. Still, she's a classy chick, and a few pointed answers to the scripted queries I'd have prepared about her time in Alien movies, coupled with that amazing belly laugh, would snap me out of it. (Fun fact: Did you know that shot in Alien 4, where she threw the basketball into the hoop BACKWARDS, without looking, was unscripted and unrehearsed? Sigourney Weaver RULES!)
Then there's Joss Whedon (who is my master now), whose brains I'd like to pick about Firefly, Wonder Woman and the ever-awesome Buffy, not mention his online serial musical (whose name, tragically, I completely forget but which is HILARIOUS! Look it up on IMDB, stat!)).
For the lust factor, I'd call on Keanu Reeves and the effervescent Drew Barrymore, who is the person I would most like to be in another life (if I couldn't be Ellen Ripley, of course).
Hmm. One more. David Hewlett! Someone needs to bring the snark, Dr Fumbles McStupid!
What would I feed these people? I dunno, MadCat's cooking, ask him. I have to entertain our guests!

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
A visit from Freddie Krueger, inviting them to come and live at his place. He REALLY needs some living ornaments for the dungeons.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.
Guess.
(I'd like to add that I find River Tam's omission rather odd.) (Ooh, and, and, BUFFY is not on this list! The hell?)

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
The harlequin clown doll thing in the little boy's room in Poltergeist ... its creepy face and then, during the storm, its hand coming out from under the bed ... no wonder I hate dolls and clowns! That scene is giving me goosebumps RIGHT NOW.
Ooh, and kids in horror movies. Kids are CREEPY! Especially when they're possessed ...

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?
Something involving big action sequences. Whether that counts as pure action, sci-fi, fantasy, creature features, martial arts, game movies or horror - I don't care. I'm easily entertained.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
Employ Joss Whedon and Steven Spielberg (and maybe Tim Burton) to rewrite the scripts for all those game movies that Uwe Boll destroyed with his ham-handed "genius". Then hire Ridley Scott, James Cameron, Sam Raimi and Bryan Singer to film them. Take out the "celeb" actors and actresses, and cast people who fit the roles, rather than those who simply look good. Get the right storylines, directors and actors, and you're already well on your way.
Bonus points for giant robots and space battles.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?
What the hell kind of question is this? Mallory Knox, yo.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? (Three or more)
Huh. Who'll bother answering? OK, MadCat, Lauren and Les - they write back! Pity they don't have blogs ...

I’m making the stuffing as we speak

The damn goose at work attacked me! Can you believe it? No wonder I hate birds. Stupid bloody white goose …

As I was walking across the lawn to Security, this huge white bird lowered its head and came racing across the grass at me, honking like a fury. My god! And of course, there was a line of colleagues’ cars, so I couldn’t exactly run, could I? I mean, what about my reputation? What to do, what to do? Show no fear!

So I stood my ground, stamped my feet, dropped my voice an octave and GROWLED “Go away!” in my best I-eat-gravel-for-breakfast tone. And it worked!

Of course, the goose couldn’t run off in fear, either (we both have too much stiff-necked pride), so it just turned its head, raised its neck and trotted off across the grass as if that’s what it had meant to do all along.

My heart pounded along like a triphammer for several minutes after that, I can tell you. Those damn geese have sharp teeth! Ow. And this particular goose is known for stalking women …

When I first started here, it picked on two women in particular. It would wait outside their driver’s doors every afternoon, so they couldn’t get back into their cars, so that they had to climb in over the passenger seats. And if it was in a particularly bad mood, it would chase them around the cars.

I’m amazed it’s still alive … it won’t be for long, if it picks on me again!