I’m making the stuffing as we speak

The damn goose at work attacked me! Can you believe it? No wonder I hate birds. Stupid bloody white goose …

As I was walking across the lawn to Security, this huge white bird lowered its head and came racing across the grass at me, honking like a fury. My god! And of course, there was a line of colleagues’ cars, so I couldn’t exactly run, could I? I mean, what about my reputation? What to do, what to do? Show no fear!

So I stood my ground, stamped my feet, dropped my voice an octave and GROWLED “Go away!” in my best I-eat-gravel-for-breakfast tone. And it worked!

Of course, the goose couldn’t run off in fear, either (we both have too much stiff-necked pride), so it just turned its head, raised its neck and trotted off across the grass as if that’s what it had meant to do all along.

My heart pounded along like a triphammer for several minutes after that, I can tell you. Those damn geese have sharp teeth! Ow. And this particular goose is known for stalking women …

When I first started here, it picked on two women in particular. It would wait outside their driver’s doors every afternoon, so they couldn’t get back into their cars, so that they had to climb in over the passenger seats. And if it was in a particularly bad mood, it would chase them around the cars.

I’m amazed it’s still alive … it won’t be for long, if it picks on me again!